You’re a pea brained, prat headed, talentless pillock headed….

Before you ask… no that’s not one of my more “educational comments” to an assistant or student…  

And no I’ve never, ever been tempted… because a friend and colleague told me of the day he was shooting a car on 10”x8” film (long time ago now!) from up a very tall ladder…at the end of which he realised the assistant had miss loaded all the film…time for a “Gordon Ramsey?” No... for as he said who’s was the bigger fault…the assistant for miss loading or him for not checking…and standing up a ladder swearing at yourself only convinces those watching that you really have lost it!

However before Gordon Ramsay made such outbursts "famous" the comedian Lenny Henry was doing it… just better and funnier! Indeed re-watching episodes from his “kitchen comedy” CHEF!, recently released on YouTube, still leave me doubled up… nearly ten years before Gordon made such outbursts on television "bollocking" Gareth Blackstock was doing it!

And what does this have to do with photography… you may well ask?

Some time ago now we were working in a new hotel and during a long day arrived in the Restaurant to see a selection of the chef’s signature dishes laid out ready for photography.

These included a bowl of Crayfish, looking fantastic on a bed of crushed ice. Needless to say we were under a little pressure to get the shots required before the re-opening of the Restaurant for evening service.

Things were going really well until I noticed that the Crayfish had moved between frames.., though I couldn’t remember moving the bowl and was sure I hadn’t asked my assistant, or so I thought… anyway... eye to camera I simply asked for the bowl to be moved and a hand appeared in frame to make the adjustment…

When the hand of my assistant touched the bowl the Crayfish reached out and oh so gently grasped a finger with it’s claw… my assistant froze! I had trouble seeing... as I was crying…with laughter…and the talented chef calmly and quietly commented that they actually weren’t cooked, simply kept “on-ice” until required... and clearly the photographer's lights were perhaps a little warm!

And how would Chef Blackstock have dealt with such an “escape attempt”… well just watch… when at 4.10 into the shortened video below he has first to deal with "runny mayonnaise" and is then told that all the Crayfish have escaped… "You’re a pea brained, prat headed, talentless, pillock headed... What are you…??"

To see the full episode CHEF1 Season 1 Episode 5 / BBC Worldwide

"National Chocolate Week"... Yeah right... as if I need any excuse!

It had been whilst recently working with Claire and a crew of young talent in Northumberland... but I'm sworn to secrecy...that I discovered we had been in the middle of "National Chocolate Week".

What fun was had...for as long as I could convince all the crew that actually it was a week for abstinence...National Chocolate Week meant no chocolate for a whole week!

Surrounded as we were by excellent catering and an abundance of coco bean products this probably wasn't the best idea...as I would be required to abstain myself! However this lasted for about as long as a chocolate bar can survive when surrounded by "chocolate deprived" females...they quickly decided I was being very cruel...normal consumption resumed and the whole world continued turning!

However it got me thinking... chocolate and photography have often gone together...or at least if I have a chance they do!

We had a client ask about creating images for a new chocolatiere they were opening...a particular speciality being chocolate dipped fresh strawberries...could we create images of the process? Could they bring a large supply of chocolate and strawberries to the studio...all in the interests of getting the shot right you understand!

I'm not sure if we'd got the shots in the bag after the first 12 chocolate dipped strawberries...or if the whole tray of fruit was actually needed...but if it's there we might as well use it! I do remember having absolutely nothing left in the studio to take home after the shoot... Oops!

The local French patisserie chef and his partner had obviously worked with photographers before...the look on my assistants face as she cut into the cake...after we'd finished the shoot...to discover the cake was made up of a polystyrene core with just an icing layer, was priceless! I really should have taken an image for the studio wall...but was laughing too hard!

Which reminds me of the assistant and the crayfish... but I think I'll leave that one for another post! 

Working with great chefs, in fantastic hotels, means we often come across the magic that results from the simple coco bean...but opening the bedside drawer to find a convenient supply of chocolate during a long shoot was a welcome respite...it might have been called "The Chocolate Room" but I'm sure it had been created just for passing photographers... or National Chocolate Week!

Let Johnny Do the Math…or the making of a television commercial

“I used to play the working men’s club round here…” not quite what you expect your childhood hero to say…particularly as I’d spent many afternoons lying on the living room floor after school watching Johnny Ball explain some amazing science… 

I’ve often said that commercial photography is a license to access all areas…particularly those which perhaps without a camera in hand you’d struggle to see…say behind the scenes of a location television commercial shot by Dene Films for HELP LINK and starring Johnny Ball… another one of the thousands (yes, that’s right…0000’s!!) they have produced.

So being asked to shoot a “stills package” for a commercial was an amazing opportunity to see exactly how a large crew works together...and I do mean a large crew, as unlike many photoshoots where “3’s a crowd” with even a small television commercial there’s quite a crowd!

It was only really clear just how many people are involved when they all managed to squeeze into our studio (and here’s a reminder of what the studio could look like) to shoot some “green screen” images for later compositing! As the fleet of vans the crew travelled in "occupied" the carpark behind the studio it was amusing to see the shocked look on our usually unflappable security!

Earlier in the day we had taken over a small quiet cul-de-sac in a housing estate, found by a location scout…with house exteriors dressed and prepared…which effectively “detained” the homeowners inside for the duration…though they could be seen peeking through upstairs windows all day!

My role had no requirement to direct events…unlike a commercial location photoshoot…so it was great to watch and record the whole process…the professionalism of the “talent” Johnny Ball, who was just as funny as I remembered…both on and off camera…and the combined efforts of the Director Mark Lediard and all the crew to make the shoot a creative and technically successful.

This despite the sun deciding to play “hide and seek” which made continuity between set-ups a little too exciting at times…and here it was interesting to see the use of large scrims (diffusion material stretched across frames used to soften the direct harsh light…I know, I know...but yes we had some...several of the crew and myself had the sunburn to prove it later in the day! ) to help balance later scenes shot under harsh cloudless sunshine with the earlier soft, cloudy light.

There was also a cheeky appearance from the Director's Canon 7D, apparently great for scouting shot angles before rigging the expensive Arri pro camera... easier and lighter to carry up ladders to check the viewpoint!

The day ended at our studio, where the crew used our “green screen” to shoot Johnny apparently interacting with the on screen graphics…and I shot some portraits for the web site. It was interesting to see how the Director of Photography, Si Bell and lighting grip Richard Haigh chose to light the shot…using KinoFlow and our own studio bounce boards to achieve “key light” and “fill” all from the same single source…you re-learn something everyday!

So to see what the final result looks like … and no you will not spot me… there are definitely no "close-ups" of me…anywhere…!