You’re a pea brained, prat headed, talentless pillock headed….

Before you ask… no that’s not one of my more “educational comments” to an assistant or student…  

And no I’ve never, ever been tempted… because a friend and colleague told me of the day he was shooting a car on 10”x8” film (long time ago now!) from up a very tall ladder…at the end of which he realised the assistant had miss loaded all the film…time for a “Gordon Ramsey?” No... for as he said who’s was the bigger fault…the assistant for miss loading or him for not checking…and standing up a ladder swearing at yourself only convinces those watching that you really have lost it!

However before Gordon Ramsay made such outbursts "famous" the comedian Lenny Henry was doing it… just better and funnier! Indeed re-watching episodes from his “kitchen comedy” CHEF!, recently released on YouTube, still leave me doubled up… nearly ten years before Gordon made such outbursts on television "bollocking" Gareth Blackstock was doing it!

And what does this have to do with photography… you may well ask?

Some time ago now we were working in a new hotel and during a long day arrived in the Restaurant to see a selection of the chef’s signature dishes laid out ready for photography.

These included a bowl of Crayfish, looking fantastic on a bed of crushed ice. Needless to say we were under a little pressure to get the shots required before the re-opening of the Restaurant for evening service.

Things were going really well until I noticed that the Crayfish had moved between frames.., though I couldn’t remember moving the bowl and was sure I hadn’t asked my assistant, or so I thought… anyway... eye to camera I simply asked for the bowl to be moved and a hand appeared in frame to make the adjustment…

When the hand of my assistant touched the bowl the Crayfish reached out and oh so gently grasped a finger with it’s claw… my assistant froze! I had trouble seeing... as I was crying…with laughter…and the talented chef calmly and quietly commented that they actually weren’t cooked, simply kept “on-ice” until required... and clearly the photographer's lights were perhaps a little warm!

And how would Chef Blackstock have dealt with such an “escape attempt”… well just watch… when at 4.10 into the shortened video below he has first to deal with "runny mayonnaise" and is then told that all the Crayfish have escaped… "You’re a pea brained, prat headed, talentless, pillock headed... What are you…??"

To see the full episode CHEF1 Season 1 Episode 5 / BBC Worldwide

Let Johnny Do the Math…or the making of a television commercial

“I used to play the working men’s club round here…” not quite what you expect your childhood hero to say…particularly as I’d spent many afternoons lying on the living room floor after school watching Johnny Ball explain some amazing science… 

I’ve often said that commercial photography is a license to access all areas…particularly those which perhaps without a camera in hand you’d struggle to see…say behind the scenes of a location television commercial shot by Dene Films for HELP LINK and starring Johnny Ball… another one of the thousands (yes, that’s right…0000’s!!) they have produced.

So being asked to shoot a “stills package” for a commercial was an amazing opportunity to see exactly how a large crew works together...and I do mean a large crew, as unlike many photoshoots where “3’s a crowd” with even a small television commercial there’s quite a crowd!

It was only really clear just how many people are involved when they all managed to squeeze into our studio (and here’s a reminder of what the studio could look like) to shoot some “green screen” images for later compositing! As the fleet of vans the crew travelled in "occupied" the carpark behind the studio it was amusing to see the shocked look on our usually unflappable security!

Earlier in the day we had taken over a small quiet cul-de-sac in a housing estate, found by a location scout…with house exteriors dressed and prepared…which effectively “detained” the homeowners inside for the duration…though they could be seen peeking through upstairs windows all day!

My role had no requirement to direct events…unlike a commercial location photoshoot…so it was great to watch and record the whole process…the professionalism of the “talent” Johnny Ball, who was just as funny as I remembered…both on and off camera…and the combined efforts of the Director Mark Lediard and all the crew to make the shoot a creative and technically successful.

This despite the sun deciding to play “hide and seek” which made continuity between set-ups a little too exciting at times…and here it was interesting to see the use of large scrims (diffusion material stretched across frames used to soften the direct harsh light…I know, I know...but yes we had some...several of the crew and myself had the sunburn to prove it later in the day! ) to help balance later scenes shot under harsh cloudless sunshine with the earlier soft, cloudy light.

There was also a cheeky appearance from the Director's Canon 7D, apparently great for scouting shot angles before rigging the expensive Arri pro camera... easier and lighter to carry up ladders to check the viewpoint!

The day ended at our studio, where the crew used our “green screen” to shoot Johnny apparently interacting with the on screen graphics…and I shot some portraits for the web site. It was interesting to see how the Director of Photography, Si Bell and lighting grip Richard Haigh chose to light the shot…using KinoFlow and our own studio bounce boards to achieve “key light” and “fill” all from the same single source…you re-learn something everyday!

So to see what the final result looks like … and no you will not spot me… there are definitely no "close-ups" of me…anywhere…!

Journey to "the Land of Flatness..."

What can I say I didn't invent the title, but when I heard our client ask whether we'd made it to "the land of flatness yet?" lets just say I've not been able to get it out of my head since...

Now this will not be my usual blog post, for one thing I can't really show any pictures from the project... as my client has plans... secret plans... so if I told you they'd kill me!

However for all those who contacted me, saying that I must be on holiday... as my phone was suddenly giving a very European ring tone... no, sorry all those bad jokes and cruel comments were wide of the mark... I WAS WORKING !

In actual fact we'd been working hard for over a week before we set off, checking equipment, checking equipment... and checking equipment again! A recent client suggested I was a little OCD about my gear... no wonder, we were travelling over 500 miles to another country so we'd best not forget anything! However for safety sake I also took probably more than I would need... which proved very useful!

Anyway we were travelling by car, as the client quickly realised the "excess baggage" would probably need them to have a long sit down! Customs at the port of Hull were clearly in a bit of a "moody", to say the least, but when the customs officer looked inside the car she quickly backed off... had "we packed all this yourself" indeed!  Any search of the car would have kept her at work late into the night!

Geography was always an interest when I was at school, indeed I can often seem to have the ability of a "homing pigeon"... where food is concerned! However having left the dockside in Hull we were still moving down the Humber Estuary nearly 2 hours later... Hull may be a port but it's not close to the North Sea!

Anyway after a great night at sea... it was great because the sea was calm... we docked in Holland and drove to Arnhem without problem... and very little traffic! A quick call to the client from outside in the car park was greeted with the memorable line... "so you've made it to the Land of Flatness then!"

Pictures... nothing much, just pallets of our gear... "yeah, we packed that all ourselves, what do you think!"... the client very kindly arranged a forklift to get all the gear up to the level we were working on... the ferry leaving Amsterdam... Oh and some beautiful woman who got herself in front of the lens, eh Claire !